Article written for www.collegehumor.com. The definitive guide to exactly what you need to do to get laid off. If you’re following any of these 10 easy steps then congratulations – You’re nearly there! There is a fine art towards getting the proverbial boot, that’s why so few people manage it with such panache.
Remember to follow the basics, but do it in style.
Step 1: Fail at basic tasks.
Ensuring that the simplest things go wrong is paramount and it ties in neatly with trying to be disorganised and unreliable. Try to leave tasks unfinished if you can, or leave them to the last minute and make a ‘hash’ job of things.
HINT: Offer the boss a cup of tea. They’ll probably ask for a fruit tea so leave the tea bag in for about half a second, then remove it and add lots of milk. Better yet, serve coffee.
Step 2: Turn up late.
Time keeping is essential for senior officials and managers to know that they can depend on you. They need to know you can start and finish delegated tasks on time. Turning up late once or twice will show them a thing or two about who to lean on when the pressure is on!
HINT: When using excuses, steer clear of cliché traffic or family related dramas. Instead try and recount the last five minutes of Holby City as if it unfurled in front of you at the bus stop.
Step 3: Spanner in the works.
If someone important calls for your boss about something urgent – DO NOT WRITE IT DOWN! Instead, go for the more relaxed, nonchalant approach and inform your boss in vague details, just off topic, leaving no sign of a second name or an email. Maybe provide a fax number at a push.
Step 4: Be disorganised.
This is slightly more complicated but vital to achieve unemployment. Make sure your avoid making comprehensive, goal orientated lists of tasks, and allow yourself to be distracted with menial, subordinate and if at all possible never-ending assignments.
HINT: Check your emails as far as you can towards the end of the day.
Step 5: Be unreliable.
One of the best ways to do this is to suggest to a colleague that you can help out with one of their tasks. Then, making sure the delay is time to its optimum potential, inform them that you have not finished your own tasks so that they’re left to fumble without you.
Note: This will ensure maximum unpopularity and really enhance your chances of being unsupported when managers ask around for anything positive about your performance.
Step 6: Be closed.
Do not ask any personal questions to any of your colleagues. Ensure your own responses are equally limited. You must appear to be arrogant as much as mysterious.
Step 7: Do not work hard.
Remember anyone can simply be fired on the spot! You can’t just ‘not turn up!’ It takes true dedication to persevere through all the stages. The legendary ‘verbal warning’ that can often come around and around and around… onto the mythical ‘written warning,’ which has not been seen for over a decade. You need to apply the absolute minimal amount of effort into everything, leaving dead on time or early if you can, to really hammer home the belligerence and contempt.
Step 8: Be opinionated.
Michelle from HR has a heinous neckline? Andy in accounting looks like a shoe? Make sure the people around you are aware what you think of the people around you. Align yourself with a political party whilst you’re at it and denounce any ideas anyone else has about anything as being robustly against your political ideologies. Maybe start a heated debate, pro Lib Dem.
Step 9: Tell unsubtle, offensive jokes.
“What’s the best thing about twenty three year olds…
Step 10: Unconstructive attitude.
This is perhaps the most difficult of them all. Everything you do has to be forced. You have to be exasperated, tired and generally irritated that anyone has asked you to do anything. It should be enough that you even turned up in the first place!
Bonus habitual traits you can adobe include:
- Bringing smelly food into the office.
- Leaving your MP3 playing on but not actually listening to it.
- Selling office supplies on eBay and Gumtree.
- Humming/ whistling/ singing out of tune
Follow these simple steps to surely find yourself without a job or any hope of another job through lack of any good reference. Well done! You earned it!
With any luck you’ll have been brooding about your departure to the point where it could be scripted and acted out like a scene from Othello. Go all out, be articulate and be thespian. Do not spare on the stationary loot and ensure to break at least one irreplaceable, yet inexpensive item as you step over the threshold to free time.
None of these steps are recommended if you wish to stay in your current job and remain employed.
(Side affects can include colleagues being wildly attracted to you or a lifetime on benefits.)
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